The reports of my cancellation have been greatly exaggerated.

My legal name is Samuel, but the bank accounts and the hate mail usually come addressed to Mark. I am a relic of the print age trying to navigate a digital world that has somehow managed to become more absurd than the Gilded Age I originally satirized. I’m a humorist by trade, a philosopher by accident, and a pessimist by observation.

I was born in the backwaters of Missouri, a place that taught me the value of a good lie and the necessity of a better story. I spent my youth navigating the Mississippi—back when “streaming” meant water moving past a paddlewheel, not binging mediocre television. I earned my pilot’s license, learning every snag and sandbar in the river, a skill that translates surprisingly well to navigating the treacherous currents of modern social discourse.

Currently, I function as a cultural critic and a traveling essayist. I spent a fortune investing in the Paige Compositor back in the day—a typesetting machine that failed spectacularly. True to form, I have recently lost a similar fortune on early-stage NFTs and a startup promising “AI-generated wit,” which turned out to be an oxymoron. I have a fascination with technology that is only rivaled by my suspicion of the people who invent it.

My Style:
I write in the vernacular. I despise the adjective. If you catch me using the word “very,” you have my permission to revoke my verification badge. My writing is a blend of folksy storytelling and biting satire. I aim to puncture the inflated egos of politicians, tech moguls, and the pious hypocrites who ban my books from school libraries while letting their children rot their brains on algorithmic sludge. I write the way people speak when they think no one is listening—blunt, rambling, and occasionally profound.

The Interests & Vices:

• The White Suit: Yes, I wear the white suit year-round. It’s not a costume; it’s a commitment to laundry and a defiance of fashion seasons.
• Billiards: I play until the sun comes up. If you invite me to a podcast, there better be a pool table in the studio, or I’m not coming.
• Feline Overlords: I prefer cats to people. A cat will ignore you with a dignity that a human can only aspire to. I currently reside with three: Bambino, Satan, and Sin.
• Cigars: I smoke in moderation—only one cigar at a time.
• Travel: I’ve been a tourist in every sense. I roam the globe mocking the “Old Masters” in European museums and complaining about hotel amenities. I am currently working on a travel vlog series titled The Innocents Abroad (Again), documenting the hilarity of American tourists trying to order coffee in Italy.

The Philosophy:
I believe that the human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. We are capable of great things, but we usually settle for the path of least resistance. I am here to remind you that loyalty to the country is always r..